Chapter Three: Our Heroine Returns and the Ukrop's Monument Avenue 10k

I've been meaning to write before now- the past month, really, but I've been busy getting my fire back! March was a much better month than February. I started going back to the gym with regularity, and getting my food back on track. The food bit isn't as spot on as it should be, but it's better than it was. I've even replaced going to work super early with going to the gym. I get my weights and a little 20 minute jaunt of cardio done in the morning. Then I go back in the evening after work and my for reals cardio in. It's a nice way to bookend my days, and if something comes up and I can't get to the gym after work, I don't feel so bad! I've been going hard for a little while now, probably too hard, but I wanted to make sure that I was ready for the next part of this chapter: the Ukrop's Monument Avenue 10k!



I walked my first 10k today! I've done a couple of 5k's overt the past year, but never a 10. The furthest I've ever walked is when my mom and I accidently took a 5 mile walk on the beach at Nag's Head last year. My bother talked me in to signing up for the race. I had had hopes of trying to run at least parts of it, but my training got way behind when I got off track back in February.

My dad signed up at the last minute and walked the whole thing with me. I think the worst part for me was the sun, I should have worn a visor or something. I also didn't hydrate enough pre-race, so I had a couple of moments where I was a little afraid I was going to get a little heat stroke-y or something. I caught a second wind at the half way point that carried me through to about mile five. The last mile was definitely the hardest! I was overheated, thirsty and tired. But once I saw that finish line I knew it was going to be ok! My official time was 1:59:25. I managed to come in just under my two hour goal!

I had to sit for a few minutes after the race to drink my water. I made the mistake of drinking a Powerade, too, so when I stood back up I had a couple of minutes where I thought I was going to vomit! My feet are definitely sore, but gimpy foot is taking it much better than I thought it would.

The best part was when I saw my best friend, Elizabeth waiting for me at the finish line. I was super touched that she hung around for an hour after she finished to congratulate me! I wish that I had shopped around a little, I want a 10k sticker to put on my car now! I know I didn't run it, but I did it and finished, and for a fat girl, I think that's pretty awesome!






P.S. And I wasn't the last one to finish, which was also super awesome!!

Chapter Two: The Long Dark Night of the Soul

I have really been struggling with the process lately. And I really don't know why. I have seen success following the plan. I feel better, I'm less moody, I have more energy, all the good things. 

So why do I keep sabotaging myself? What is so wrong in my head these days? It's like some kind of crazy little rebellion going on up there. I really have my doubts that this is something that I'm really going to accomplish. I jealously watch the successes of my friends while allowing my feelings of inadequacy mount higher. 

I have given myself every tool and resource for success, why can I not get myself under control? It makes me feel so broken. Is this something that everyone goes through and just never talks about, or am I really just this weak? 

I'm sure it's at least somewhat a self esteem thing. I've never had any kind of real self esteem. I continually put everything else before myself. And I feel selfish when I spend time doing something that only benefits me and isn't earning money, or taking care of my household. And I just can't get those voices out of my head. The ones that remind me that I've failed at everything I've ever done. I just don't know how to fix it. 

I have such a jumbled, tangles snarl of thoughts in regards to myself, I was hoping I could maybe sort of them out this evening. Usually writing things out helps, but I still feel just kind of sad and defeated this evening. 

Not to worry, not to worry, tomorrow I will get up and go to work, which will be promptly followed up a visit to the gym. I'll still keep plugging away, and maybe I'll continue to just keep swapping the same 5-10 pounds out for the rest of my life, but I'll keep fighting the good fight, and hopefully one of these days I'll win a battle or two.

Breakthroughs-or at least chipping away at a the wall

Today was a HUGE day for me. I have always used work in the past as an excuse to cop on the hard stuff, the exercise bit. It's like I would almost jump at the chance to be "too busy" to exercise.

Now, I know I'm only two weeks in to this lifestyle, but I've had several challenges as of late.Friday was a bad day at work where I left an emotional wreck. What I truly wanted to do was go home, cry on my kitty and stuff my face. But I managed to put on my big girl panties and go to the gym and work it out, instead. Tuesday didn't go much better, and today the volume really picked up at work. I could have stayed. Instead, I upheld my appointment with my personal trainer and I left on time and went to the gym.

I have stuck to my calories and exercise for almost two weeks. I have not allowed myself my old luxeries and excuses, and it gets a little easier every day. Is it possible that I am finally turning a corner in this journey? Is it too soon for that? Do I really finally get it in my heart as well as my head?

I suppose only time will tell, but I am SO proud of myself tonight.

Shrinking Saturday One

A couple of months ago, before I fell off the wagon, I was weighing myself on Wednesdays, and I dubbed them Weigh In Wednesdays. I got all the way to 22 pounds down before my resolve finally broke. That seems to be my breaking point. So when I get to that again, I am going to employ all of the good habits I am developing now to push through. 

I am pleased to report that week one was a smashing success! I have been to the gym every day this year, expcept for today, because it is closed. As I added strength training to my regiment yesterday, I'm actually kind of glad for a rest day. However, if they were open, I would be there!  And I may go for a walk later in the day, you never know! But rest days are important, too. I did have a couple of days where because of misjudging portion size, or some other careless error, I went over my calories by 50-100. This is probably one of the few weeks where I could get away with something like that and still get results. And while I'm not new to this little game, there's still a learning curve when you're getting back into the groove. Diet and exercise, it really is the ultimate combination! 

I noticed yesterday, while on the treadmill, that I had to increase my speed because my heart rate wasn't getting up to where I wanted it too. It was only a little bump- 2.8-3.0- but isn't it amazing how quickly the human body adapts? That one little thing there is a sign that my fitness level creeped up just a smidge in only a week! I was a little annoyed at first because I wanted to hit my burn- but I'm really quite pleased with the display of progress. It's motivating, for sure!

And now on to the main event of this post: My weigh in results! I am down nine pounds, for a total from my heaviest recorded weight of 13 lost! YAY!!!

So I'm actually rapidly approaching that fated 22 pounds. Only nine away. This time, though, this time I WILL get through it. I have amazing support from my friends. Especially the ones who are on the same journey as I am. And I really like my new trainer. I need to remember to copy down the measurements she took off of me on our first visit so I can add them to SparkPeople and have that record to keep me going when maybe the pounds aren't so much coming off. It will help me keep perspective in the long haul.

One step at a time.That's how I'll get there.

Fresh Beginnings

The gym I joined does "personal training". They set you up with a trainer and they assess where you're at now, and what your goals, etc. are. There's three initial consultations, and then you meet with them, usually once a month to weight/measure and re-evaluate your routine to see what needs to be changed to get the most out of your workouts. Today was my first appointment, and there were good things and bad things.

The worst is that I've regained most of my previous back over the course of the past couple of moths. I'm only three pounds under my heaviest recorded weight. The good part of that is at least I'm not ALL the way back up!

This session focused on the appropriate cardio routine for me. I told Brittany that at some point in my life I'd like to become a runner. And she shared her story about how she went from barely being able to do a mile to running marathons. (I think she's always been skinny, but it just goes to show I guess that skinny doesn't always mean fit!) She definitely isn't pushing endless hours on the treadmill just because I said that I wanted to learn to run in the future. She recommended a treadmill, elliptical, and ARC trainer, and the thing she stressed the most, was not that one machine was better than the other, but the type of exercise I did on them.

The quick start and manual buttons are now off limits in my life. My new friends are hill, interval or random. Whichever the particular machine I'm on labels it.

We talked about what heart rate zone I should be working out at, as well. Right now I'm supposed to be focusing on the "fat burning zone". Which for me is between 140-160. So I got my happy tail on the treadmill after our consult, and did the random setting on level two, at 2.5, at first but my heart rate was only just kissing 140, so I bumped the speed up to 2.8 and that got me into the low 150's. Even when the harder hills popped up, I certainly wasn't dying the way I'm used to when I go work out. I'm used to dripping, huffing, puffing and walking out wobbly-kneed. So I suppose what I've learned is that I possibly have worked out too hard in the past. I can see the logic behind this. Work on getting some of this weight off and build up to the harder, cardio building zones. I do know that the past couple of weeks when I've checked my heart rate on the elliptical it usually hovers just around 180 when I'm really banging it out on that thing. It's definitely something I want to read up on and learn more about, but it was totally weird to walk out of the gym and not be drenched.

I think for now I'm going to just relax and trust the process. The next weigh in will tell the tale.

So in light of getting all set up at the gym today, I reset all my little SparkStreaks on SparkPeople, and gone in and readjusted my current weight loss goal to reflect my new commitment to myself. My first short term goal is 10%. Once I get there, I'll see where I want to go next. I could always just keep trying to go down by 10%, but we'll see when we get to the first.one.

I'm just trying not to psych myself out for now. A day, an hour, a decision at a time. Wish me luck!

Chapter One

Once upon a time there was a fed-up fat girl who decided to once and for all to fix it. My name is Diane, and I am that fed-up fat girl. And this is going to be my story.

I have been struggling with trying to lose weight, well, most of my life at this point, but more frequently and seriously over the past two weeks. I've been broken-hearted over watching others succeed while I failed over and over. I've been angry at myself for not being to "get it in gear", and frustrated over my seeming lack of control.

A couple of months ago I started in with public, weekly weigh-ins on my Facebook page. Not quite so public that I was posting my actual weight, but I would post that week's weight loss and the overall total. I hit the 22 pound mark, and, as I am wont to do every time I get to that point, I just sort of checked out. I gained 15 of that 22 back. So a couple of weeks ago I started buckling down on what I was taking with me to work for food, and I discovered after a few weeks of avoiding the scale that I was actually down nine pounds. That was this past Monday, Saturday morning I jumped on the scale to see where I was at, having just signed back up at the gym, I wanted to see my starting point pre-exercising, and every single one of those nine pounds was back. Seriously, WHO THE HELL GAINS NINE POUNDS IN FIVE DAYS??

I think that since I knew that I was going to be going back to regular exercise I must have just given myself a mental free pass to have a week of unadulterated pigging out. I know I ate a bunch of crap last week. But that, I think, has probably been my biggest wake up call of all. Just seeing how scary fast it all comes back.

I genuinely do want to be a healthy person. It's time to pull on my big girl panties and just practice everyday at being healthy. If you practice anything enough times, you eventually become great at it. So its back to one day at a time for me. Who knows, maybe I should post my actual weight every week. I think I'll wait till I'm a little further still from my start weight, but I'm going to go back to weekly results posting. I certainly don't have all the answers, especially those involving how to stick to this thing, so I'm just going to keep practicing.

Because you know what? This is my story. And I refuse for it to become a victim's tale, or a tragedy. There will be tears, for sure, but I'm going to do what I can to make sure that at least the last tears, are tears of victory. Welcome to the beginning of my happily ever after.