So why do I keep sabotaging myself? What is so wrong in my head these days? It's like some kind of crazy little rebellion going on up there. I really have my doubts that this is something that I'm really going to accomplish. I jealously watch the successes of my friends while allowing my feelings of inadequacy mount higher.
I have given myself every tool and resource for success, why can I not get myself under control? It makes me feel so broken. Is this something that everyone goes through and just never talks about, or am I really just this weak?
I'm sure it's at least somewhat a self esteem thing. I've never had any kind of real self esteem. I continually put everything else before myself. And I feel selfish when I spend time doing something that only benefits me and isn't earning money, or taking care of my household. And I just can't get those voices out of my head. The ones that remind me that I've failed at everything I've ever done. I just don't know how to fix it.
I have such a jumbled, tangles snarl of thoughts in regards to myself, I was hoping I could maybe sort of them out this evening. Usually writing things out helps, but I still feel just kind of sad and defeated this evening.
Not to worry, not to worry, tomorrow I will get up and go to work, which will be promptly followed up a visit to the gym. I'll still keep plugging away, and maybe I'll continue to just keep swapping the same 5-10 pounds out for the rest of my life, but I'll keep fighting the good fight, and hopefully one of these days I'll win a battle or two.
UGH I typed out a long response to this, and the computer ate it apparently. I will try again. :/
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having a hard time. Is it the food or exercise that is the problem? Or both? I think everyone goes through similar feelings, at least I have--and do--on a regular basis. It's hard. Very very hard, and people who have not had to go through it have no idea how it consumes your life. It's a battle for me almost every single day. The stress of trying to do everything is obviously too much on you. You need to demand more help. I'm not there, so I don't know what goes on in your house, but if you need help with dinner or dishes or laundry, tell Grady point blank, "I would like for 2 nights during the week for you to cook dinner." Or whatever works for you. Plan some easy dinners that don't take much prep or work on nights you go to the gym. Make things easier on yourself. You will never stick with anything if it seems like too much hassle. I am sure that after working over time all day, going to the gym and then getting home you don't want to spend an hour cooking, and then another half hour cleaning up before you even get to relax. See if going to the gym 2-3 nights a week during the week and once on the weekend is more manageable. Plan your easy dinners or ask him for help on the nights you work to lighten the load. Schedule a day or evening where you both go to the laundromat together. While the clothes wash, go for a nice walk around the neighborhood and just make it about spending time together, not working out. I know that when I feel like I have this and this and this to, and not enough time to do it, I feel really stressed and break down mentally. I normally like to schedule my hardest workouts for days I don't volunteer at the school or have "hard" chores to do, like scrubbing tubs. It just becomes too much. Now that it'll be lighter out, maybe once a week instead of going to the gym you can walk outside instead. Maybe your mom or Grady can come with you. If running is frustrating you, then maybe you should take a break from it for a while and just focus on walking fast or getting up to doing 4 miles on a regular basis. You may just be taxing yourself too much mentally and physically at this point, and it's wearing you out. If you feel like you are ready, then go for it, but there is nothing wrong with taking a few months and letting your joints and everything adjust to longer walks to get your endurance. I know people who weight a lot less than I do, and they struggle a lot with running. There are lot of reasons, but obviously the more you weigh, the harder it is on your body. You don't want to injure yourself and feel even more down about it. Anyway, I can come walk with you at Bryan Park and you can come here any time you want and we could go to the gym or whatever. You need to take care of yourself. If that means only fixing your own meals for a while, then do that. Make it work for you and you'll figure out your own balance. Hang in there, and I hope today is a better day.
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