Relief and Other Things

Well, I'll start off with the best news. As the mortgage industry is wont to do, business has dried up a little bit with the rise in interest rates, which inevitable means lay-off. Thankfully, my area survived this round intact today. There are more potential lay-offs coming, possibly through the first quarter next year, so while we're not safe, we're ok for now. It's been a tense day. And I haven't used food to cope or celebrate, either! 

In other happy news, I've been making more of a concentrated effort to get this train a-moving on down the track. I'm working on doing different things and pushing myself harder on the familiar ones at the gym in the mornings, as making sure I track ALL day again. I'd gotten really bad about being on point during the day, and letting myself get derailed on the nights/weekends. Gotta buckle back down so I can hit my 40 pounds lost mini-goal! 

I stayed in calories last night, which was exciting. Monday night was a challenge, becuase the meal I had planned out couldn't happen. I got the salmon out of the fridge, and it had gone bad. So had the pork chops. We don't usually let food go to waste like that, so it was upsetting on that level, too. I ended up fixing us some Butoni cheese tortillini's and alfredo sauce. Which wouldn't be bad under different circumstances, but I was on a tight calorie budget by the time dinner rolled around. I've made adjustments to my lunches so I have more wiggle room in my calories. I really needed to cut back on lunch portions anyway, this was just the catalyst I needed. 

When I set my new weight loss goal up here it readjusted my calories, and it's taken me some time to get used to the new numbers. Personally, I thought it was set waaaaay too high anyway, not that it ever stopped me from taking advantage of that!  

I always seem to slide a little when I get close to a big goal. It's like stage fright or something. Definitely something I'm working on, one day at a time. 

On Wednesday mornings we have an off-the-schedule class. It's not "official" because if the lady that runs it is off that day, it doesn't happen. We do different stuff every week, from a weight circuit, walking outside in the parking lot, rotating stations, all kinds of stuff. This morning we did what she called "Trekking" which is speed and "incline" intervals on the elliptical. At one point she had us holding hands with our neighbors, as a way to work on core strength by not using the elliptical handles. And she took pictures. 

This is most of us: 
 

This is a closer one with me in it. I'm in the middle, in the blue shirt: 
 

We worked up a great sweat! I bought some little 8oz boxes of Horizon organic chocolate milk. I've been hearing lots of interesting things about how chocolate milk is actually a great post-workout snack. I tried freezing one last night, and then letting it thaw out in my gym bag, but it was still basically a milkshake! So I think tonight, I'm going to pull one down from the freezer and stick it in my lunch bag in the fridge, and see if it doesn't thaw out and warm up too much. It's shelf stable, so I would imagine that even if it does warm up, its not going to go bad, it just won't be as refreshing. 

My goal for tomorrow is to get some jogging intervals in. If all goes well, I will be picking C25k back up on Monday. My first trial run was successful, so here's to hoping round two will be as well! 

Have a great day!! 

Diane: Now with 10% Less Packaging!

I just realized that I never wrote anything about hitting my first goal yesterday! With all of my kitty drama, I've been a little out of my mojo for the past week. Today, almost exactly to the hour that I'm writing this, a week ago, my whole little world changed. It's getting a little better every day, although today is unexpectedly hard. I didn't realize that would happen. Compound that with my second class for this new Bachelor's starting up last Thursday, and you get plenty of distraction!

In a way it's kind of a surreal feeling. The scale has been bouncing around so bad, it's very hard for me to give myself this credit, especially when I know it's probably going to be higher again next week. This inconsistency makes me feel like I did really earn the credit I'm giving to myself. I really do need to re-focus and really work on making strives to start pushing myself again. I also need to sign up for the 8k next month, I've been putting it off and putting it off. Some of it is justified- 40 bucks is a whoooole lot of money for us right now. But I've gotten so complacent, this will be a much needed kick in the pants.

I'm considering, Saturday or Sunday, going to the park down the road and hitting their 5k course and making two circuits of it. (Anyone want to join me?) I'm really not overly interested in achieving race pace, or setting a PR for myself or anything , but I think it would be good for knocking the cobwebs off and getting over this little bit of fear I seem to have acquired after the whole hip flexor incident. I've let it derail my running program. I think it just shook my confidence up.

Wow, this blog has gone in a totally different direction than I expected it to! I'm actually even more excited now for the next three pounds to come off. That will put me at a nice even 40 pound loss. What a big round number that is to me. In so many ways I don't feel like I've really done all that much. Not to deserve a nice fat number like 40. I always feel like I should be doing more. Being more consistent. Resisting temptation more. Being less lazy. I see all my flaws and all the bumps in the road, and I suppose that diminishes my accomplishments in my eyes. Aren't we always our own harshest judges?

This also brings me to a point I always mean to write a blog about. At what point do you stop thinking of yourself as a lazy person? The rational part of my brain knows I'm not lazy. I get up at 4:45 every morning, Monday through Friday, and I work out, then go to my job for eight hours, I come home, get the gym and lunch bags read y for the next day, sometimes I cook, sometimes I'm doing classwork, sometimes it's dishes, or even just spending a little time with the hubby. There are people in my life who tell me that they don't see how in the world I do so much everyday, or say that I have more energy than anyone they know. Don't get me wrong, I can be unabashedly lazy on the weekends. I have days where I'm lucky to break a thousand steps, and nothing on my weekend to-do list gets accomplished. It's these days, I guess, that really reinforce in my crazy little brain all that chatter that maybe I haven't really changed after all.

Wow, this is a lot of emotional diarrhea, I wasn't expecting all that to come out. I was expecting to do a verbal happy dance over my 10%. I would suspect that being on the precipice of a truly monumental life change is bringing out more of a reflective side than a celebratory one. I've never really been successful at anything before. Its a strange and scary scary feeling to leave behind who you once were for so long. To give up these ideas of what you can and can't do. To revamp how you consider yourself. I certainly did not go quietly into the good night of self-improvement. I met this new phase of my life with much less grace and verve than I have tackled other things. In fact, there have been times that to call it kicking and screaming would be mild. Yet, on the other side of this coin, some things just came surprisingly naturally. Like learning that I'm a morning exerciser. Giving up soda. Rediscovering my optimism (which I'm sure sounds like a big fib right this second). Learning to trust myself. It's certainly been an adventure.

Well, here's to the next three pounds and beyond. Cheers!

The Story of My Good Kitty

So this is my super sad blog (and long), read at your own peril. I don't even know why I'm writing this, other than I'm hoping that it will help me start healing. It's definitely going to take some time. A lot of time. 

Back in 2005, I had a beagle. Because I was gone for close to 12 hours a day, and was living in a small downtown apartment with a roommate that didn't interact with him much, I ended up giving him to a good family with kids and a huge backyard. It was one of the worst decisions I ever made. It was almost a decade a go, and it's still my biggest regret in life. About a month or two later the horrible, horrible relationship I was in thankfully ended. And a month or two after that, I decided that I needed a new cat. My previous one had been gone for about a year and a half, I didn't have my dog anymore, and while I had a roommate and her cat, I needed my own fur baby. I had been saying for a while that I would love to get my hands on a flame-pointed Himalayan (Himmy's are a cross breed of Persians and Siamese). 

Mom and I went wondering around a couple of places. We hadn't gone to a shelter yet, that was on the books, but we happened to find ourselves over near a PetSmart, so we went in and checked out the kitties. We didn't see any that immediately caught my eye, but suddenly a lady volunteering there out of the blue asked me if I didn't happen to be looking for a Himalayan. Well, hello! She proceeded to tell me about how she had nine cats, and her Himmy was the oldest and her favorite, but she had noticed how unhappy she was as of late. She was walking around with her tail down, and just seemed sad. So she was looking to re-home her. We agreed that she would bring her over for a trial visit and see if we had chemistry. 

Well, the lady showed up much earlier than I expected on the day we decided, so she was already there when I got home. They had let her out of her carrier, and she immediately went into hiding under our side table. The minute I came in and set down, the beautiful seal-pointed Himalayan came out and went right to me. We belonged to each other at first sight, and Sue was mine. She was 10, supposedly pure bred, although I never got the papers from her first owner, and I don't care enough about things like that to follow up with her. She had brought all of Sue's things, so she was mine from that night. 

Through the years Sue has seen me through healing from that terrible relationship, moving, being so broke we went about a week or so with no electricity, losing an apartment, living with my mom, trying to live with the aforementioned roommate a second time, this time with an obnoxious dog and a cat that hated Sue, finally landing in my then boyfriend-now husband's apartment. Losing friends, losing jobs, and so much more. She has been my constant companion. 

She had such a big personality. With the Siamese in her, she always let you know how she was feeling. I could have whole conversations with her. Sometimes I think she just talked to her herself talk. She didn't like to be held, but she liked to be touching you or sitting on you. She liked to sleep on pillows with you. I kid you not, if she didn't get her way she sulked. She refused to drink out of a bowl. Before we bought her a water fountain, she would make every attempt to out of cups. And the sink, the tub and the toilet. In fact, her last night, I was afraid she wouldn't wander her way into the kitchen, so I left a small glass for her on the floor of the living room. She wasn't a cat, she was a people, plain and simple. 

So Tuesday night, after she tried to beg her way into some of our salmon from our dinner, I gave her a couple of treats, and I went back to the bedroom to sprawl out on top of the bed to read. Hubby brought her in and she curled up on the bed beside me and went to sleep. About a half an hour later she started twitching, and I figured she was dreaming, then it got a little worse, so I tried to wake her up. Suddenly she rolled half way over and I could tell it was a fully blown seizure. Which she's never had before. After it ended she spent about ten minutes panting and kind of catatonic. I held her through the whole thing. And she just never really came back. I held her until she tried to get down, and once I put her down, she spent the rest of the evening just wandering the apartment. She was so restless. And she didn't respond to her name, or to pettings. Her motor skills were really bad, she was tripping over things she wouldn't normally. She was getting "stuck" in places that she should have been able to get out of. She would walk up to a wall or a corner until her face touched it and just stay there. I don't think she slept that entire night, I think she just roamed the apartment non-stop, unless she got "stuck". Which was the only time she uttered a peep after that seizure. Very decidedly NOT Sue behavior. 

Because it was so late, we tried to sleep. When my alarm went off I got up and saw she wasn't any better, and knew what we had to do. And if it was just her motor skills, I could have handled a disabled cat. But her Sue-ness was gone. Whatever broke in her poor little kitty head robbed her of herself. 

She was my Good Kitty. And now I have a giant, Sue-shaped hole in my heart. Because it was so sudden and unexpected, it's been hard on the hubby and I, but I'm glad she was not sick for a long time, and she never seemed to ever be in pain that last night. I will always be grateful for that small favor. We keep "seeing" her in her favorite spots, or expecting to trip over her, since she loved to be underfoot and stop directly in front of you. I keep trying to accidentally kick her food bowl as I did every time I went to the fridge. 

I knew it was going to be hard. I would try and prepare myself, she was 18, after all. And I won't lie, I had the strongest feeling a few days ago that she wasn't going to make it through the winter. I just wasn't ready for it to be yesterday. Are you ever? I had no idea it was going to be this hard. But hey- I've only had to run to the restroom once so far this morning! I went ahead and dragged myself out of bed and made it to the gym, and now work. I am armed with plenty of tissues and minimal eye makeup. I haven't slept much the past two nights. I know it will get better with time, I just feel so raw today. 

Thanks for listening, I knew I needed to get my feelings out there and written down. Oh, my poor heart. And my poor Good Kitty. I miss you so much. 

My Good Kitty: 
 

The Salad Blog

I made a salad Thursday that was so epic, it needed its own post.

I've been kind of disorganized this week. What that really means, is for the past couple of days, I haven't packed a lunch. Or breakfasts. Or snacks. I keep some organic instant oatmeal at my desk, for times such as this. And yesterday I threw a can of Amy's Summer Corn Chowder soup into my purse for lunch. Today, however, I didn't do that. So I went to the grocery store down the street and raided the salad bar. And raid I did. I made a ten dollar salad. That's right. Ten. Dollar. Salad. Want to know what a ten dollar salad looks like? 

 

It’s got lettuce, spinach, red cabbage, carrots, zucchini, celery, radish, chickpeas, feta, cucumber, three bean salad and red pepper vinaigrette. There may be one or two other things on there. I can't remember. It was awesome, though. I sat at one of the tables out in front of the store, enjoyed the beautiful weather and the beautiful salad. I still need to eat my gorgeous MacIntosh apple. (my fav!!) 

Tracking this thing is going to be an epic nightmare. And I loved every bite.